an opening stage to a new scene....
i suddenly feel uprooted from wat i believe in and who I am.

i flavoured a few victories and suffered a few losses thr.thru this suffering... i finally understand wat it means to feel victorious within even when the whole world thinks u have failed. The phrase,"if u think i am stupid... u are an idiot... and how words of friends can change your thinking altogether.. so thats my witness.... my only consolation is that i am not the only one.

i was mixing around with ppl from diff walks of life throughout the trip. amongst the officers...some are docs by profession... lawyers... engineers.... teachers...we have it all. and my rover drivers, storemans hold jobs like cooks...sales assistant... guitar teacher.... just to name a few.

many of us wondered when we were young wat we wanna be when we grow up... the common ones were be lawyers, docs... teachers.... has anyone exp telling his mom that he wants to be a taxi driver and gets a smacking from his mom???

after getting all the love and affection from the col.. maj....being intorduced to an overseas study award which seems irresistable.... i was fortuanntely brought back to grd as i ask myself," is this wat i really want?"

it seems wierd that i nv thought of carving my path into military or business... but enjoyed small sweet success in both areas.... and i don't even know wat the hell engineer is all about. maybe that explains the headache i am suffering from these few days...i suddenyl feel so disorientated...a spiritual attack like no other.

i feel so disorienttaed... u leave me in the room with maria sharapova naked... i also won't know wat to do....
help la help la
perhaps being a cook will fit my bill

yes... i am a problem kid... if u were here 20 min ago... u wld have seena diff post. lots of obsene words and stuff..but after seeing best friend's post.. i feel thr is one mroe reason to live.

life is like shit.. i wish i can go back to sec 4 days... may i live the mth of Dec forever. till today.... those are still my most memorable moments....

changkat kids.... we rock the bus till all the passengers hated us to the core....partying till late at night... at the swing below joy's house with kiat and august... singing carols with VJC choir... best friend elmo wrote me post cards when she was in the car to grandma's..... i still keep those post cards man....how we caught all the movies together... the time of lord of the rings.. harry potter.... spirited away just to name a few....and going sentosa with kiat...august... joy... chloe. me nickname ostrich... chloe-aunty with the big handbag..i still remember we said once on that beach that we muz all go to VJ... sadly... i nv make it there. and my best friend songyu... i remember how sad she was when she called me in the MRT.... how i heard her cry for the first time... that day.... i was gloomy... a drastic change was going to take place .... surprisingly how much impact JC will have on one...suddenly i realise everything will nv be the same again.



i met up with tan en recently... with hong drew they all. nv seeing him for very long... i got so many things to ask him... but just did not.
maybe i was scared to dig up the past....
maybe i just wanna comfort myself that everything is fine now...
maybe i was scared that i will tear in public....

cos he reminded me of alot of tthings like the pride i had for victoria and choir when i was in sec sch... i nv found this pride ever again.the tough time we went thru which forced us to grow up in sec4. how i always envy him and many other ppl....childish huh... now i only envy that he makes a pt to keep contact with them... sth i didn't do.

i miss every moment.... my voice... my friends....the company.... even though i just smile and act strong when i see them...i feel a sense of discomfort.. fear.... in me.

now... i can only thank fate for letting me run into them once in a while... it feels goood to know how well they are doing now...

joy i heard is part of this successful NTU band....
wen jie ( even though i only know him by side) was sword of honour for his signal cohort
wee siang won like 7 book prizes in one semester... his poly hear his name till sian already....
jia hui is having a fun time in her undergrad studies at melbourne...
just to name a few...
and of course feel happy for tan en as he is retaking his As end of the yr... at least he still ahs control over his life.... really hope he does well.


and of course... my cute sweet bez friend elmo who is happily married to ai hong.... i kind of feeel good around this guy...maybe cos he not so big and doesn't give the dao look like wat her friends always do.

well as for me... i just wish my life has a reset button. or a auto shut down.

me,"I see u have guts, go write to the mp la."

bad boy," wat is this, u not scared your unit get to trouble."

me," well ultimately it affects u, since u are the grassroot leader, and maybe u can help lessen the pain of the ns men. how about that, u will be a hero in their eyes. u can also complain about hospitals la,how bad singtel service la...complain bout the system la... but opps i forgot u are the dog who nv get the slice of it... my pity for u.... how about this..."


bad boy," don't dare me."

me," i not daring u... i seriously take my hat off u man.. u got guts... u can send such letter... the political arena needs u man."

bad boy," lets not push it steven."


( and the healthy discussion ends here. call me steven without lieutenant infront...send a fax to my office critisizing our unit when rule was made up thr... bloody gover***** dog, who he thinks he is... i swear i will make his whole family bankrupt man... blood boils..."


me," hey... look at my rank and hear me say,i not scared of u... even if your father is some minister of sth... the more i will humilate u... your wife... your children... the more i will put u to jail."

me," go to jail bad boy!"


k that was in my dreams when i was taking 969 home. maybe its cos of the fear, u know sometimes when u are scared but u don't show it, it just appears inyour dreams.

but i realise if u turn fear to anger and turn to fantasy(as in something u really wish to do) it turns to positive energy which spurs to u on.. cos that was wat happened to me today.. the more i thought of brining down that guy... the faster i ran.

the toughest nut ever...some grassroot member aka rich fart who default the system and send some slanderlous mail to my office. think he is some big shot or sth. its this kind of ppl that spice up my life. i check my grds and i have the ability to charge him... 7 days DB which=1 day jail for such a mail. i just have this evil thoughts that his life is now in my hands. the tables has turned. i gonna bring u down.

court case will resume on FRI.