didn't even know u 2 left yest.
keep thinking that the date is today

I am so terribly sorry

trust me.. the feeling sucks.

i really do wanna meet up with u 2
but when i did see you on the day itself....
i didn't seem surprised...
sigh

That day at our friendly tuition friend making centre...
i was really happy to see 2 of you after so long
and when i am all dry and not sweaty and oily

u have to agree....
we haven't seen each other or talk real heart to heart talks for ages
its times like this that i hate the feeling of moving on with life
i can only look back on the nice memories we share which keep them all warm and sweet

i am no longer my chatty self
maybe = cos sometimes telling someone leads to complications later
or i prefer to solve problems themselves
which cause me to be less expressive

good and bad...
up to you to judge...
whther i am happy or sad?
i can only say i can still get along with life

i wish i cld be like pei kee....
go cycling with u guys....
meet up once in a while
i am such a bad friend huh

hope u understand
there are really lots of thoughts running thru my mind now
lots of commitment as well as confusion if that is what i really want

maybe u have some thoughts along the way that i am talking a lot of nonsense, to the extent of being crazy nowadays
yah sometimes i relaly tell someone my probs... but i just can't
hope u understand

slash my previous timing by 2 min... down to 64.50... then again thr is still rm for improvement b4 hitting 62.20( the target i am aiming for)

64.50 will mean only 26min 10 sec to complete another 6km..

62min 10 sec will mean 27min 50 sec to complete another 6km...
diff of 1 min 40 sec wld mean a championship and a diff in personal satisfaction



after a week of Manpower cse...going for personal trg at night everyday of the week:

mon-17 km(4x4km timing:19min)

Tues-6km (3x 2km timing:9.oo min)

Wed-13km long run

Thurs-6km (6x1km timing: 3.55min)

Fri-6km long run

Sat-15 km time trial cum comp

total distance clocked:63km

tough and it is getting tougher.
with nobody to motivate me one and my office sadly not giving thier support....it gets harder and harder each day. i can only console myself that its all worth it for the men i running with in this Guards family.

yah mayb why i am so moody nowadays is cos i haven't let my mind into wonderland for a long time...so i treated myself to 3 VCDs yest...

just watched finish les choristes.... brought tears to my eyes which i least expected.
just the way the boy Mouhege sang his solo towards the end of the show... and the narration says it all," how he let his voice out, i could feel his feelings, passion and gratitude."

maybe out of guilt, or it just depicts how i feel, cos yah afterall no matter how much i am against the conductor... i muz agree to the fact that he had somehow groom me to wat i am along the yrs... i weren't have been so determined, passioante about what i want, and have the never give up spirit if its not for him

and he stands in front of the choir b4 a competition, telling us to relax and do our best, in a short pause, he says with sincerity and conviction that he has always been proud of us," he always says the right things at the most crucial moment, the way i will always remember

I was in for a culture shock this week

i didn't know bruneians are so smart and can speak such fluent english

was on cse with these 2 chirppy bruneian gals.
funky hair do....street smart....

chat for only 5 min on the way home...

hahha now i know that not only singapore arm forces face admin probs once in awhile, it happens to thier army too.

for ex. back in her hometown one of the gals is in air force, however she entered infantry in OCS.

she is combat engineer trained too...
but according her, they don't build bridges like us...

interesting... i wonder what do thier engineers do. B4 i cld get my ans answered, i was back in camp

"I was thinking, it isn't a breakup of friendship. Its just a turning pt. U know, we won't just get any more meetings down at xuan's swimming pool. its an end to the good old days. N its times like these whr u just hate growing up. M i sad? yup. But life goes on right? and so now, its just u and me, gonna miss her."
Drew

the feeling is just starting to sink in.
time flies.
first a family of 7 D O P : 17 Jan 2003.
fun... yeah an understatement
drew=mummy,
kit=da jie
celeste=er jie
me=san mei
joyce=si mei
mel=wu mei
en=adopted child
xuan=xiao mei

lots of fond memories, the greatest one of all was of cos getting lost at china square... sth all will remember for life...definitely resurfacing on the day of my wedding

mar 03...
the grp dwindled, to think that just one slip of paper wld determine the strength of ties...
"hey! keep in contact yeah." like wat drew says, whenever someone ends a conversation that way, it means it gonna be one of the last time u ever see the person... how true...

7 dwindled to 3...the photo taken in the MRT by drew before i enlist explains it all.

"u see u are not ard,they bully me." she will sa jiao to mel

ghost, gays, girls, gays
we just love the Gs...
thats the topic we branch into all the way from katong to orchard to tanah merah to bugis...not to forget the swimming pool

interesting how we always have sth to talk about reagrdless of the fatigue or piss level


she is always full of hype as i always go out of pt and zao sia while drew always give the cambridge answers




difficult times were blessings in disguise

me and my priority problem when i have to choose betw trg and life
drew when he had to get over the pink hairband adn bumpy RS rides
xuan when she had to retain after promos
our friendship reaching a dip at a pt of time when hormones took a better of us

i learned from them ye i did, teared for them, yupz been thr done that

i come to conclude that even with the ability to smile and breathe at rate of 45, to know that the 2 of them are always thr to share my joy, hear my qualms, call each other out at the 11th hr is the biggest gift of all



'time flies, i hate growing up... 'yah everyone says that
i beam with pride once, thinking i got over that long ago
and so it seems
time has played a torturing game, causing hurt to the mind and soul
but yah life still goes on

why i didn't race in the end...
cos thr is sth more impt to attend to
but when i did wat i needed to do
i did not bid her farewell
(subconsciously its cos of wat drew said, which resurfaced when i left hensel's car yest)


yeah things will definitely change...
just drew and me
sunday ECP runs and cycle
no more waking up to sundays with wanton mee, scrambled eggs, pancakes or da bo leng balls
blk 85 and cartel for that matter
just as i thought that the effect of one person i will miss has settled in
its starting to take a greater toll as i am penning this

perhaps thats how aristocracy makes so much sense,
its only thru missing someone will you cherish one even more

to know that at least there is someone out thr i will miss
that there is still a bit of humanity in me after all the insane trg
i feel blessed.

take care girl

this is my take,
we have nv yet drifted apart
we have just learned to cherish each other( the 3 of us) even more

wearing the Nike Tights.. and my shimano cycling T
adjusting my shades
putting on the pair of gloves..

ready to roll

8.10am: my sunday morning ride

another day... another ride...
every ride gets better and better....
no more squeaky sound coming from the breaks after the maintenance i did yest.

took my 2 hrs man.... Mom says its macham my wife, but definitely time well spent

as 90.5 played in the earphones... i hit the rd...
this time- all the way to Fort road... marina... china town and back...

oh well after so much rushing....
didn't meet Andrew and Xuan in the end cos xuan was was not allowed to leave the hse again

hahha k anyway gal... u take care...
have fun in aust...
study hard....
remember what i told you on fri.,.. very impt...
cannot forget
in case you do forget
(help me get the long sleeve surfing shirt... ahhaha too bad u don't know how to see bike parts... not can ask u to help me get sth from the bike shop too!)

thats the timing i clock today... which place me in 7th position

u know there is always the feeling of proudness over your own timing and at the same time du lan ness that u can do better

yah i only like came out 70% of str today...

draft thru for the first 9km of the run... only break out to individual run at turning pt

the feeling of finishing the race... giving each other hi five as we meet each other along the way was great.nth can describe the feeling

i wish my boss will not pull me out of attachment which he threatens he will-
wat to do, i am the most impt person in the office..no pun intended... thats the truth

suppose to go manpower course on Mon... which will be for 3 weeks... but think i gonna forgo it... yah it sounds stupid-like"oh that means i will be a PC in my reservist time"

but going for course means i won't be able to train with the team. I learn the hard way that i can only focus on one thing at a time.... i can't be greedy and try to get a bite of everything!
at least my boss is not like that fat shit waving his arms during my JC days.
sure he understand.plan to psycho him during my race with him tmr... it will be like,"uh sir... wah u ride damn fast today siah... stamina improve liao...." then he will start grinning to himself and I will continue," as u know, I am in AHM team and mon i got course which will be for 3 weeks, can i forgo the cse???"

hopefully the plan works

I just learned of a phase recently,"You have to end what you started."
yup..looking back... i didn't have a good end to my JC track days... think i performed like fuck but choose to believe i have done my best.

now the chance has come for me to repent...
once i break this barrier of the fear of failing...
having control over wat i want to do and wat i can do
life will nv be the same again
then again...since when has it be constant for me

rock band craze
arcade freak
bike racing
need for speed
now-target for 1hr 20min for 21 km

a power pack week so far... running and running and running...

u know wat... i cld have been in Bedok camp now if ADF did not centralise early this yr!
wah i can like go home every day la... best part is that trg is at ECP... how cool is that.....
hahaha oh well for now the team is training at ECP only on sat...
catch us thr!!!

I finally can prove my clerk JIT wrong, thr is such thing as smart mut who exist in this world.
someone in my team just prove it today.

mut," oh roy(one of my another team mates) is studying DIP in pyromedics...
i am studying degree in that area."
he actually do his self study reliously everyday from mon to fri and go to the centre for lectures on sat and sun..

k maybe i shd change my statement... not smart mut... hardworking mut....
cos mut can not be smart.


ps:u see a block force with shirtless dudes spotting shades, caps... running all over the place like little kids(when they are already 25-28 yrs old).... 20 muds... 10 chi... 1 indian...shout out 'Guards is no.1' maybe we will turn and smile at you

my dreams are getting too real nowadays...

wonder if that is the effect of reading too much books filled with irony and ponderations(is thr such a word?)

surfer gal appeared in my dreams a few times....

the funny thing is that everytime she appears... we will be eating.
once was fine dining at some high class palce whr brooks were in suits and the babes were in thier gown....
another time was eating at this jap minicart whr it was raining outside and two of us were sharing a bowl of beef noodles

my only conclusion is the first impression of the person which stays with you... for me its the day ofour first sea adventuer and the feast we had after that... maybe thats why the image of her stays in me that way

oh well we haven't like exchange sms for a week...
why???
i feel distracted... like you know love has taken the backseat after trg has been in full swing...and in the midst of shagness after trg... even if we exchange msg...
thoughts like
"wat if i sms the wrong thing"
"what if she doesn't reply"
"what if she thinks i am a nuisance"
clog the mind and caused the love cupid to fly away.

so am i like really like those delinqunces(is it the way to spell)
nth to do and think of such nonsense stuff, need social counselling or have i just being struck by a love spell which needs someone to undo

hahaah anyway back to boot camp
hope to see some of u guys in a week time

so sorry to friends who have come back like jia hui and song... sigh sorry can't find time to go out... hope u understand cos i think i will be such a drag to go out with... stoning and stuff not the right time yah...

and xuan-take care gal.
thanx for always being my date for those boring army dinners whr wolves are lurking everywhr
life w/o will be so diff... only left me and drew...arghhhh
may u and your pilot work out fine

and drew... if sth happens to me... yah don't woryy the will has been written... u can have my ixus 40, my pda ph... my racer and my guitar... just as u requested... hahah thanx for always being there for me... miss those silly cycling trips
after sept yeah... we will rock ECP

sayonara
hahaha

the feeling is kind of shitty in the beginning.

u don't know any body..
its back to recruit days...the bunk is back to 8 man bunk...
i knewv slowly from the start that i had to bring down my level to that of a man.. cos its no longer sth to do with being reginmental.. its being in the team whrby ranks are not part of the game
being the only officer, the youngest in the team and so called the most inexperience.... i broke the ice during intro saying," just call me steven"

I am now training with 1 ADF for AHM..only one from ext. unit...since dennis..(the acjc captain) cldn't join me with the team

run run and more runs...
as the team leader shout from behind... the feeling is gd... can feel that they had been trg with one another for very long... to the extent of knowing each other's weakness...so the presure is on me to keep pace with them

thier game play is one of a team, very diff from the kind of trg i received during JC.

the plan has been laid out... trg program set... even who going to be the first 5 pacers of the team... out of a sudden... we are like a dragon boat team.... first 5 runners being the pacers sprint to the front.... as the rest of us soon all form up to a block... and our our legs the pacddles... we stomped the grd in steps....
we rock the whole nee soon camp ... who can miss us as 50+ shirtless guys... some with tatoos... some with shades ... all in sporting running shorts ran over and over again.


i like the way they start off the run in a boy like manner...running all over the place... talking to one another... scolding for fun... menacing the passer bys... then things start to get serious... encouraging one another... listening to the single command of the captain....

now i am even more inspired to run for guards... last yr they came in 3rd... this yr aim is the top award...
woo ha!